Remember tazos? Yeah right, they were for kids. But then, in 1996 came the Walker’s Crisp’s Star Wars tazo collectors pack. Then, me and thousands of other males of a certain age who’d just left university and had a whole lot of time to eat crisps and collect things just like when we were nine, then, we took notice.
Before long, we’d all completed our Star Wars collectors packs with all 50 tazos. I was racing several of my friends to complete mine, and swindled at least one of my little brothers to get some of the really rare ones – C3P0, the Millennium Falcon – you know the stuff.
And by then, we were hooked on Walker’s Doritos. By then, it was probably already too late.
The warning signs came quite soon after that. The arrogance with which they (Walker’s) switched the colour of the bags of Salt and Vinegar and Cheese and Onion. I mean, come on, everyone knows that Salt and Vinegar are blue, and Cheese and Onion are green. (Everyone over 30, I guess?)
Then they quit the cloak and dagger stuff and came out as the evil crisp making factory owned by Pepsi that was going to take over the crisp world. Gone are Golden Wonder, gone are Smiths, gone are Tudor… now you shall all eat Walkers, and like them.
About four years ago, I walked into every crisp-selling shop on Clapham High Street and could not get a bag of non-Walker’s crisps. Many people in the office couldn’t comprehend my distress that afternoon.
And they deny that they’ve shrunk their crisps. I mean, even on Wikipedia it clearly says that Monster Munch haven’t shrunk. I bet a lawyer wrote that. They have shrunk, and it isn’t just because I have grown bigger, so don’t start with that.
And then come “Walker’s sensations”. This just enrages me. After years of churning out pathetic crisps, they bring out a range of “posh” crisps, charge us twice the price for them and expect us to be grateful. I tell you, if someone gave me a Walker’s Sensation, I would put it in the toilet.
The final irony. Last weekend, I checked the value of my Star Wars Tazo collector’s pack on e-bay – you know, the one that took me and my 2 flatmates two months and several hundred bags of Doritos to complete. Two pounds.
So go forth my friends, eat McCoys, eat Discos, eat Hula Hoops, and eat Seabrooks. Just eat some decent crisps, and free the world from this menace.
And for helping Walker’s take over the crisp world: I am deeply sorry.
